@thedad: [god inventing cupcakes] God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller Angel: ah I see, portion contr- God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

@peprally: Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don't reply, "then I'm not too late" anymore? That's kind of worrying.

@jimmytorosian: *phone rings* Wife: "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me (a dad): "Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It's for you." Wife: "...."

@MomOnFire: One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I'll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

@Gooooats: Me: you're going to bed in 5 minutes. Toddler: No. Twenty minutes! Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*