Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….