Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
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Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Trying
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.