Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Rooting for the overdog
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Siri, fight Alexa.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*