Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
You Might Also Like
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”