Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My wife gives the best headache.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.