ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
sry
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.