Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My last name is Zilla.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”