Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..