My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
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Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
some cats are just doing for fun!
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.