Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended