Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
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My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in