I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
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*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-