Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
No regrets in 2018
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Safety first
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.