Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
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Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Your secret is safeish with me
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Donkey Kong sommelier
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
why am I working on Labor Day
s
oc
i
a
l
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
the saddest jazz hands ever
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.