@NikiWithIssues: Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
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@XLToast: Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog? Stranger: He's over there! Oh thank God! [steals little boy's corndog and runs away]
@TySmithdrums: Me: "Can I see the baby?" Sister: "Yes, but only if she's awake." Me, through a megaphone: "NOT A PROBLEM."
@LostCatDog: My high-school wrestling coach called me "the raccoon" cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us