@NikiWithIssues: Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
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@cepheusjackson: MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry
@KalvinMacleod: ME: Tell me your weaknesses. INTERVIEWER: um I'm interviewing you! M: *writes ‘hostile'* I: What's that say? M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
@NOT_UmaThurman: [Jesus on a blind date] Christians: "Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture"
@gidget_76: My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we're hungry and both put our ass in the air when it's being rubbed.