Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Who chose this font
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Hey i am sexy to you now
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.