Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin