Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
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My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Breaking news:
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”