Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
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I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail