Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
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I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Important reminders