@jwoodham: Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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@thetits: BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife* CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno "reverse" card* B: SHIT ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
@calluptome: Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we're in jail.
@FlyoverJoel: Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
@Dawn_M_: He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring. We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.