Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*