some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
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It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
*praying for world peace*
God:
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs