some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
You Might Also Like
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”