A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
You Might Also Like
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
felt that
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.