SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
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lol
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
your honor my client chooses dare
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
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My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids