[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Intelligence is the new cleavage
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.