Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
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The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES