Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
i spent way too long on this
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Seek kebab; not attention
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers