once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
You Might Also Like
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.