@BruceForce: Some dude told me he's had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
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@Shot_Of_Cabo: Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard. So now I'm explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.
@Book_Krazy: Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday