Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
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It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.