Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
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I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.