@ceejoyner: Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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@Smuirf: Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you've heard Jamal.
@ElgatoEsmio: I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
@KeetPotato: wife: "this is really your idea of an anniversary present?" me: [on the other walkie talkie] "you didn't say over, over"