@ceejoyner: Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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@rzarosco: If I ever murder anyone I'm going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it
@jackiembouvier: I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.
@johnalogue: Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
@mjkspeaks: [argument w/girlfriend] HER: you know what your problem is? ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i'm about to find out