Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.