Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.