Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
DOOO EEEET
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*