Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂