Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
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I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours