a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Did…did a minotaur write this
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one