Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
You Might Also Like
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Happy Thanksgiving
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Software Development ⛵️
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.