@_SingleBabyMama: Some girls look like they've barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that's been doused by a fire hose.
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@weinerdog4life: The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
@Brianhopecomedy: I'm teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.
@Vodkantots: When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
@RoosterMustache: Hey now, you're a rock star, get your game on, Go plaaaay Hey now, you're potato, get your tate on, Po taaaate