Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
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*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…