some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Sniffing the broccoli
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time