BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
You Might Also Like
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Feel. He’s so soft.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.