My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills