boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”