When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”