@TheMichaelRock: Some guy told me I wasn't funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.
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@SardonicTart: Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
@SamGrittner: "WHAT DO WE WANT?!" "SELF-CONFIDENCE!" "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" *everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
@garrettbarry70: [At job interview] M. "No, English is my second language." I. "What's your first language then?" M. "Emoji."
@Reverend_Scott: Strangers are friends you haven't met yet. Friends are lovers you haven't kissed yet. Lovers are corpses you haven't killed yet.