I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
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them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv