@TheMichaelRock: Some guy told me I wasn't funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.
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@chuuew: I tell people "I'm here to raise awareness" because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
@Christi_Q: Dating is hard because guys are like "You're hot, can we do butt stuff yet?" and girls are like "It's been 3 days, where's my ring?"
@friendly_moon: [hostage situation] Any last words? "Nah, I'm good." If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you're prayers. "You are prayers. Lol."
@dafloydsta: DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: No. DOCTOR: Are you at least active? ME: Also no.