My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
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My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?