Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
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Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.