@LizHackett: Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, "I'm wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!"
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@drinksmcgee: "Cover your mouth when you cough or I'll kill you and your entire family" - The new motivational poster I've hung in my office at work
@SkinnieTalls: Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don't even worry about buying the bow.
@badteacher4u: Strangely enough, yelling "I have a masters degree!" at this electric wine opener is not helping me figure out how to make it work. Weird.
@YeahDrewisOn: Me: One last drink and then I'm off to the petting zoo Her: Aren't you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo? Me: I have kids?