Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.