Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)