Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Watermelon Boss!
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist