@Cheeseboy22: Some jerk called me "pretentious" so I called him a "planktupus." I can make up nonsense words too.
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@ComedicBust: Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail. [jurors gasp] [Lawyer throws up]
@Prof_Hinkley: What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus
@brianbowman73: *applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory* What's your theory? That money can buy happiness.
@adult_mom: Start yelling "DON'T FORGET!" when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they're supposed to be remembering